11 months into it…!

My Favorite quote right now

This quote is whats happening in my life right now.

When i read this quote before i didn’t really get it to be honest. But now i get it.

I feel like to remain small and silent and quiet is the more painful option and its the option i have been choosing most of my adult life. The tight in a bud was safe and i could drink and get high and not really deal with the trauma in my body at all.

Im not even sure i was aware of the trauma still in my body maybe i just thought it was my mind that was affected.

Ive being seeing a somatic therapist now for almost 10 months. One month into my recovery i sought about finding a therapist and thankfully i found someone willing to work with me. Having the space of an hour per week is so important to my recovery.More important than i could have ever imagined.

Somatic therapy is so difficult and so healing all at the same time. Its for me about holding the space for my body to feel what its feeling and not run away from it and not escape in anyway. It is truly trans-formative.

No its not easy.But no one ever told me it would be. And im not saying that either.

It will be a long process. I have a lot stored up needing release.Its the most difficult work i have ever done. I am hopeful it will continue to be the most rewarding also.

I live in a country where the norm is to drink, sometimes daily.That was my routine too.

So when hard stuff is happening now in my life a part of me automatically wants to reach for a drink a joint or a cigarette. That was the norm. To drink alone or with others socially.So yes its hard and the past 11 months have been a process of healing and a huge process of not turning back to habits and not giving in.

Apart from therapy i love being out in nature and i feel really blessed that i live in Ireland for all the wonderful nature that surrounds me. The lakes and woods and sea and more.Sure its cold now and rain a lot but i still get out in it.Its so refreshing to be in it and just be.Not be on the way to any place or wanting to be done so i can come home or go someplace for a drink!

Processed with VSCO with m5 preset

Christmas is just around the corner and its going to be new to be sober! Im excited and a bit weary at the same time. I havent figured out what im doing yet.But i know this much:whatever i do it will be to look after my sobriety first and foremost it must come first to everything else. That’s not being selfish its being real and true.

Its what it takes for me to blossom.

Yesterday i shaved all my hair off. Its feels like a fuck you to a struggle that’s been going on inside of myself. It feels like reclaiming a part of my power that i needed to and coming out of bud! I love how new it feels!

Keep shining!

One day at a time..

The light is shining

…its now been 10 months or 304 days since i gave up alcohol,marijuana and nicotine.I make a conscious decision everyday that i wont drink or get high today. Some days its really difficult and i have to draw on all the things i know to be true.Which goes something like this:

By myself i am powerless over my addiction.Many times i tried by my own will to stop and each time i failed.Admitting that to myself was the first step and it is the first step every single day 10 months on.

Other peoples opinions on my addiction do not matter to me.Those who consider this a lifestyle choice and a whatever makes you happy choice do not understand.And thats ok with me. I will continue to share my journey how i chose too,privately publicly or other. There is no shame in sharing my story and by sharing it maybe someone else will admit to themselves they have a problem and are powerless to control it.

10 months ago i had 4 jobs. All part time and none of which i truly loved.One of them was cleaning a pub on a Monday morning. I emptied ashtrays and mopped beer stained floors.I did this because it paid me 30euro and one month after getting sober i started therapy and it paid for some of it. Today i have one job.Its work but i do love it. Im proud to be a chef,to send out soft poached eggs every single time. To know that the cheese is proper melted on the sandwich.!!!To serve food that i would happily pay for!!!

Everything is real now that im not escaping/numbing.Sure sometimes that is overwhelming but sometimes the overwhelm is because of the most wonderful laughter with another person.Or looking across a lake when the rain clears and a beautiful rainbow fills the sky. Feeling that joy is new to me. Before i was so caught up in getting home to have a glass a wine or a joint. I was consumed with consuming and not being present in the moment. Now i get to be present and its wonderful more times than not.

Therapy has saved me from relapsing and i recommend it to everyone.A month into my sobriety i found myself a somatic therapist. This kind of therapy differs from talk therapy in that it focuses on releasing any trauma we may have held onto from the body. Its been life changing in so many ways. No its not easy. Yes sometimes i want to leave and go drink to numb what has come up to numb the ugly feeling in myself. But so far i have not.This way of life is for me and i do not ever want to go back.

What i have found in people and in this way of life far outweighs anything i have lost. When i drank i always told myself tomorrow i will stop and tomorrow was always another excuse.When i go to AA meeting i hear other peoples stories and its exactly the same.When i went to a meeting 10 months ago all i could do was cry because i heard myself in everyone and i was glad to be there. Yes it was so hard to walk through the doors alone but once i went inside i was not alone anymore.And thats how it is now to this day.Sure friendships have changed and some have gone away because alcohol was the only thing we had in common!! But thats ok. Ive realsied that my sobriety has to be the most important thing in my life..not the 2nd or 3rd the 1st.Everyday.

“To thine own self be true”

I have my own higher power that is personal to me. And everyday i ask for help to stay sober to stay true and kind. I say the serenity prayer daily because its simple and stays with me. …To Accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things i can…

So i hope reading this, whatever journey your own you own it and claim it as yours..and if its not for you than change it..its only one day and that’s today. That’s all we have so make it count!!

Let the light in and shine it back out!

Sober Socializing!!

Its been 260 days since ive had a drink containing alcohol, a joint or a cigarette. I am feeling the benefits in so many ways physically and mentally.

One of the most challenging aspects of sobriety for me personally is socializing especially in a pub/club venue where the majority of people will be partaking in the consumption of alcohol. Do not get me wrong its not about them partaking its my heightened state that im feeling.Aware of everything fully.In some ways yes its glorious and in some yes its scary as anything. I have to feel really strong in myself and really want to show up in the pub/club.

Last night I ventured out with a friend to a nearby city to see a band that i really love. Ive seen them numerous times always under the influence of alcohol or marijuana or both. I have also seen them in this place a little over a year ago under the influence of both. Two very different experiences!!

When i was drinking i really cared about my next drink so much or my next cigarette. So that took away a lot of my concentration on the sounds and people around me. Whereas last night i was fully present. Fully present to everything good and bad. To the people at the front who where rowdy and singing and talking through a lot of the songs..to the beautiful people id seen before at a vegan eatery in the city.. But mostly i was fully aware and present to the music.Which is why i chose to go out and be sociable. The music and the incredible voices a few feet away. My heart open my eyes closed i fell into it and enjoyed it with every breath. I did not want for anything or anyone. Fully present. Fully alive.

This is what my sobriety had brought me. And everyday im thankful.

Anything is possible…

So in the past week i have gone through a transformation of sorts.

It all started at therapy a week ago on Monday. I was asked if id like to be a man and then if i felt like a woman? I said NO to both! Have never been asked those questions but often thought about them. It was really liberating and it brought a sense of easy in my body an openness i did not feel before. And the ease continued….

The followng day i had a concert(P!nk)to go to with friends and was nervous about being the only one not drinking!How I would fit in.Was no pressure at all to have a drink. And i felt a real sense of fun and power not needing or wanting any alcohol.Looking at strangers fall about the place and buying the limit of 6 drinks per person at the concert did not make me want to start drinking again thats for sure.

One of the most enjoyable parts was having my make up done by one of my best friends. It didn’t feel like i was having makeup done as a woman. It felt different from other times. And by others reactions I looked different too. Glowing was used on a few occasions.

Make-up or no make up I feel better in my own skin.The most ok i have ever felt. Ive learned that am in this body for such a short time we all are!The fact that i do not feel like any gender and that i realize i never ever did, sits really well with me. I always thought i had to do something about not feeling like either gender but really all i had to do was recognize it. Hold it. And love that part of myself.

This Time Its Different!

Decided to start writing down my experiences of this sober journey..So in the past I have attempted to quit alcohol but always for other people and never for myself. On January 5th of this year i quit again with a great sense of “sick of feeling sick” On that day I also quit nicotine and weed!

My body was breathless upon walking up my own stairs. Morning was received with no joy only dread about how hungover i felt. No matter how much i drank i always wanted to drink more. And if i could then i would.

I decided early on against labeling myself and to use whatever resources i find helpful to me on this journey. I can say today wholeheartedly I never want to drink again. I truly believe that alcohol not only numbed my body and mind from feelings of suppressed pain but also of joy and light. Its been 143 days today. Im never going back. Its not easy to be Irish living in Ireland and not drink! A lot has changed in my life since i stopped.A lot has changed for the better.

If your reading this and on a similar journey i hope we can exchange stories and share the light of soberness. If your reading this and wondering about not drinking for a while id really encourage you to try it.

Its truly life changing.