This quote is whats happening in my life right now.
When i read this quote before i didn’t really get it to be honest. But now i get it.
I feel like to remain small and silent and quiet is the more painful option and its the option i have been choosing most of my adult life. The tight in a bud was safe and i could drink and get high and not really deal with the trauma in my body at all.
Im not even sure i was aware of the trauma still in my body maybe i just thought it was my mind that was affected.
Ive being seeing a somatic therapist now for almost 10 months. One month into my recovery i sought about finding a therapist and thankfully i found someone willing to work with me. Having the space of an hour per week is so important to my recovery.More important than i could have ever imagined.
Somatic therapy is so difficult and so healing all at the same time. Its for me about holding the space for my body to feel what its feeling and not run away from it and not escape in anyway. It is truly trans-formative.
No its not easy.But no one ever told me it would be. And im not saying that either.
It will be a long process. I have a lot stored up needing release.Its the most difficult work i have ever done. I am hopeful it will continue to be the most rewarding also.
I live in a country where the norm is to drink, sometimes daily.That was my routine too.
So when hard stuff is happening now in my life a part of me automatically wants to reach for a drink a joint or a cigarette. That was the norm. To drink alone or with others socially.So yes its hard and the past 11 months have been a process of healing and a huge process of not turning back to habits and not giving in.
Apart from therapy i love being out in nature and i feel really blessed that i live in Ireland for all the wonderful nature that surrounds me. The lakes and woods and sea and more.Sure its cold now and rain a lot but i still get out in it.Its so refreshing to be in it and just be.Not be on the way to any place or wanting to be done so i can come home or go someplace for a drink!
Christmas is just around the corner and its going to be new to be sober! Im excited and a bit weary at the same time. I havent figured out what im doing yet.But i know this much:whatever i do it will be to look after my sobriety first and foremost it must come first to everything else. That’s not being selfish its being real and true.
Its what it takes for me to blossom.
Yesterday i shaved all my hair off. Its feels like a fuck you to a struggle that’s been going on inside of myself. It feels like reclaiming a part of my power that i needed to and coming out of bud! I love how new it feels!