Today we celebrate our patron Saint of Ireland St.Patrick!
However we are still under a level 5 lockdown so will be no actual parades, no drinking in pubs and so on.
Not drinking in a pandemic is hard. So today is just another day for me. It is hard because as is the same for most people all the normal things in life do not exist right now like work, travelling to see family, seeing friends, going to the gym or swim. All the supports that had been put in place. So other supports have had to be found to stay sober.
Breaking up has also been so so hard. Still feeling and going through the pain of that right now. And what I’ve found I can do about it is nothing. Like everything else just have to go through it. What I have had to remind myself is my feelings are valid. I tend to sometimes lessen my feelings because in this situation it was my choice. But it doesn’t matter, the pain and the hurt is no greater or less. It cannot be measured. I have to forgive myself and feel all the feelings surrounding this loss and not pick up a drink.
I have thought about alcohol more than ever. It is the numbing effect I crave. I have had to choose daily to stay sober. Remind me of all the hard work that I have done to get here. Here being to know me this much, to know myself in this body and not to hate it. I read recently “your body is your ally build it up don’t knock it down and treat it with kindness”
I have now had 800 days in a row of no drink, drugs or nicotine. Even if I do sometimes think about drinking this really is the best life. My best life. I really love being sober and present. The feelings might be tough at times but the benefits far outweigh the challenges.
I’ve been doing a lot of work in therapy recently with my inner child. Letting them know they are safe now. Taking their hand walking, sometimes carrying them through past trauma. I never realised how vital this work is until now. I guess it is mothering my inner child maybe befriending them too. It maybe sounds cliched to some and that’s okay. But for me its work I need to do to stay sober, to feel safe, to live fully in my body. I have now been going to somatic therapy for two years. Probably over 100 sessions! That’s dedication! Mostly I want to go, although last week I did not. Sometimes showing up to do the work is exhausting and I feel a bit resentful. So I show up and tell my therapist this and cry and get it out. And I don’t always feel better afterwards but I always feel like I’ve worked on something that has needed time. And in therapy, it is the time its the one hour a week I can be so so vulnerable and safe. I’m thankful to have found a great therapist that I can safely do the work with. How precious.
I’m meditating daily and I do still try to do a 5km a day walk. Both help me so so much to stay grounded, mindful, thankful for all I have, healthy and to breathe more easily. I have also done a lot of nothing in the past week. I have had to be still and just feel it all. Sometimes this is the hardest thing and sometimes I’m self-critical and tell myself to get up and get out and stop crying!! However, we can NOT pick and chose when we feel grief and for what(it could be really old like intergenerational for example) It’s so important to be gentle with ourselves… Grief comes like waves. It does not care about how much time has passed…
I hope as you read this YOU are well and thank you for reading.